Hi,

I have a lot to update given Mom's recent abandonment and subsequent heavy handedness, but, for now, WTF?

I am NOT in support of this, okay?

I wouldn't put it past Mom to somehow be involved in this.  Le sigh.

So, remember when I said that Mom was feeding me more?

Well, whatever drugs Mom was on are clearly done. Today she was all 'Molly, now I think I'm giving you too much food. You can't even finish it!'

Clearly Mom has never heard about people who have been STARVING for a long period of time. At first, it is hard for them to eat a lot again. Because their stomachs have shrunk so small there is no room.

THAT SAID, I hardly think two weeks is adequate for me to build up the space in my stomach for the still-pretty-paltry-but-better-than-before amount of food I'm getting. Or WAS getting. Because tonight, she totally put less food in the bowl. WTF?

Hungry. Very hungry. I'm fur and bones over here, okay? I need my food!

Le sigh. 

Sometimes Mom just doesn't get it.   I'm an empiricist.  Okay? Just because I won't automatically eat her puny castoffs that she dumps on the floor during her SO MUCH BIGGER THAN MINE meal, doesn't make it cute okay? 

I have a method to eating new things which involves first sniffing the object and walking around it to get a full sense of its nature.  Then tasting it to see if it is palatable (this was questionable).  And finally, when I've determined it's worth a shot, taking it in my mouth to explore its texture.  Just because I spit it out and pick it up again DOESN'T mean I'm not going to eat it, okay?  I'm fully savouring its bouquet.  And stuff.

And just because I don't eat it right away doesn't mean I'm not going to EVER eat it.  First you give and then take away and put in the trash?  I was totally saving it until later.  WTF?

So, I haven't updated for a while.  I am still alive, okay?  Just in case you were wondering.

I had a bunch of people over visiting me and, to be neighborly, I didn't use the computer (unlike Mom who TOTALLY uses the computer when *I* want to hang out - WTF?).  cjthediva came and spent a few days before she moved to Detroit which was cool (although Mom was like totally militant with the treats)...

OH!  Check this out.  Mom, totally paranoid again because I was coughing, hauled me over to Dr. Torquemada the other day (she totally needs a therapist, okay?).  He was all 'WTF? Your dog is so thin! Why aren't you feeding her? You are a horrible parent!' (paraphrase).  In any event, I am now getting extra food with each meal.  It's not much but it's a start.  I am pleased that Dr. Torquemada - while he is still VERY CRUEL with the needles and stuff - WTF? I need that blood, okay? - has finally come to realize how hungry I am and has made Mom - FINALLY - start giving me more food.

That said, please get in touch with Mom and tell her that, while I appreciate the upgrade, I am still hungry.  Perhaps, I should get one more meal's worth a day.  I mean, MOM eats three meals a day.  Why can't I?  Right?

So, I got tagged to do the seven interesting things about me meme.  Only seven?  I'll try.

1.  I grew up on the streets of Pennsauken, NJ until my Mom came to get me.  That's why I'm so hardened and stuff.

2.  While I can type on the computer and stuff, and read, I don't tend to read books.  Mom keeps boring books around and, to be honest, it's hard to turn the pages, okay?

3.  No one knows how old I am.  I lost track when I was living on the streets and stuff and now no one knows.  I'd be more bummed out but 'time' is a temporal constraint we put on ourselves.  I feel it is limiting and I am beyond that.  This is one of the reasons I feel waiting until 5 o'clock for dinner is overated. 

4.  I have killed two mice in my life.  We have a mouse now.  I have not caught it yet.  I'm working on it.  Okay?

5.  When Mom is not around, I watch the food channel *le sigh*.  I would like to try a lot of the food Paula Dean makes.  It looks tasty.  Please send!

6.  When Mom is not around, I sleep on the couch.  She thinks I can't get up there but I totally can.  *snort*

7.  In my next life, I would like to live on a cattle ranch of some sort.  I would like to herd cattle and do 'cattle management'. 

Tagging:

txvoodoo
runta
cjthediva
ezagaaikwe
evil_little_dog
gia6seconds
callaxx

Hello. I am still alive - barely. It seems one of Mom's New Year's resolutions is to (a) scare the crap out of me and (b) feed me nothing.

Working backwards: Today, Mom was feeding me what she calls 'breakfast' (anyone normal would call it a snack - a diet one at that) and was all - 'Damn, I forgot to pick up more food. If I don't remember, you're going hungry tonight.' and then she LAUGHED like it was funny. WTF? I was like totally traumatized. Luckily she came home with more food but I spent like 7 hours totally worried that I was going to go hungrier since the 'meal' this morning was totally unsatisfying. I don't have any fat left, okay? Not that I had that much to begin with but at this point if I stop eating my body is totally going to attack and feed on itself and I'm going to wake up without an ear or something. From hunger.

Then - then meaning earlier not later like it might, okay? - I threw a party on New Year's Eve for some friends and Mom who was like totally alone and stuff and I felt bad for her, okay? I'm a caring dog. Anyway, so everyone came over and we hung out and stuff (and I got to eat nothing - Mom worked it out that all the food was *vegetarian* AND on the table which is very tall and I am not so much *le sigh*) and then Mom's all 'we should go see the fireworks' so she got out my ride and we all walked up to 72nd Street and Central Park West to watch the 'fireworks' at midnight.

First, these were NOT fireworks. Fireworks are totally far away and sort of boring but Mom seems to like them. These were like totally LOUD and on top of us. We were in total danger, okay? Fire raining from the sky and landing totally near us I'm sure. And I'm pretty sure fur is flammable. I mean, I haven't tested it but I'm willing to take that on faith. And these days I have a LOT of fur. I could totally go up at any time, okay? I was like 'GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE' and Mom gave me a hug and stuff but she KEPT me there until it was over. WTF?

And then when we got home she opened champagne and that made a loud pop and I thought we were back at the 'fireworks of DEATH' again. NOT COOL.

Overall, it was EXTREMELY traumatic and stuff and did I get a bone for consolation when I got home? Um, no. I got nothing but a pat on the head. WTF?

So, Christmas sort of blew.

I mean, I got lots of gifts but NOTHING from Mom and almost nothing from Santa even. WTF? I was like totally a good dog this year, okay?

Le sigh. Mom clearly has been working on Santa as well. Anyhow, this is what I got:

1. A bone from Santa.
2. Four trips to the park in my ride to chase squirrels - from Santa. (Mom, of course, who has to help with this, *promises* we'll do this but we'll see if she comes through. She's like totally lazy, okay?)
3. A box of treats from Santa. The diet kind. WTF?
4. A rawhide bone (which Mom like totally keeps taking away every other day when it's MINE - just because you are tall, doesn't mean you should mess with my stuff! Stop it) and squeaky toy from nariya. Thank you.
5. A package of booda bones from V. Thank you.
6. A looks-like-a-bone-but-it-is-a-toy from scribesds. Thank you. It's like from England and stuff. Mom says this means I am cool - that I get presents from England. She apparently needed proof? *rolls eyes at Mom*
7. A squeeky toy from Robina.
8. A box of EXTREMELY tasty and gourmet treats from Matt and Ali. THANK YOU. I'm like starving, okay? This will help. That said, Mom is being VERY SLOW in passing them out, okay? WTF?

I am apparently getting other presents in the mail from Grandpa and my Aunt Leslie. They have not arrived yet.

Thank you for the Christmas cards. I appreciate them. If you have some extra cash and send me some steak, I would very much appreciate it.

Thank you to txvoodoo for my new Christmas icon (see it? I'm wearing a hat - only not!). The only one I had was this DORKY one Mom made of me like five years ago when she forced me to the ground and then forced me to wear antlers UNDER PROTEST, okay? (If you look closely you can totally see her hand holding me DOWN - WTF?). Icon below:



My new icon is more artistic and reflects who I am and stuff. Plus, in an excellent turn, I did not have to WEAR anything. It's like photoshoped and stuff.

Sadly, I am much thinner this Christmas. I felt that posting a picture of how I look now would just depress everyone and kill the Christmas mood. Like seeing starving famine children. It's like THAT BAD, okay? So, Lisa used the above photo which is less depressing. That said, if you could send me some food for Christmas I would appreciate it. I'm just shy of passing out. Okay?

To take away any guesswork, I am posting my Christmas list here.  For Santa. If you want to contribute as well, I would GREATLY appreciate it, okay?

Please be careful to send any gifts DIRECTLY to me and NOT care of Mom because she like totally takes my stuff and I don't get anything, okay?  It's WRONG.

Anyway, here goes.  Thank you in advance for the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.  Everything on my list can be purchased online so it should be pretty easy for you:

1) Steak.  Click the link.  Anything from Omaha Steaks would be cool.  I also like pork.  Thank you.

2) A cat.  Use that search or do your own.  It's just craig's list and then pets and cats.  Any of these at the link would be fine.  The more the merrier, right? 

3) Several squirrels.  And if you are all 'Molly, squirrels are harmless and I'm so NOT sanctioning eating them' I suggest you take a gander at this website which shows how they are totally bad and stuff.  (That said, I think they should just have terriers handle the problem.  People are such drama queens, okay?)

All Squirrels Must Die

Thank you in advance. 

So, Mom has decided to host Thanksgiving dinner this year, which is cool, because like the turkey will be at our house and stuff and I'm sure they'll be leftovers and, while Mom's a total control freak and won't let me have 'people' food *snort*, she's invited my friend cjthediva for dinner and I'm pretty sure I can convince her to give me some. Okay?

Anyway, I told Mom that I would like to stalk and capture the turkey. My reasons are twofold:

(a) As a tribute to our forefathers, I thought it would lend an air of authenticity to have a bird one of us actually killed, okay? To keep it real. Everyone else just goes for convenience. Our thanksgiving would be au naturale.

(b) It would totally be fun to catch the turkey.

Mom was all 'If you can find a turkey in Central Park or roaming the streets of Manhattan, I'd be more than happy to cook it up for you.' So, quest. But now I've just learned that she totally ordered a 'backup' bird from the store in case I can't find one. AND said backup bird is already dead - and like the feathers removed and stuff. It's like a totally boring bird.

It's meat and stuff but that's not the point. Way to go with the confidence, Mom.

WTF? Anyway, I am going to try to look for a turkey in the park later this week. Wish me luck, okay? I will take pictures of it after I kill it if you want and post them. Let me know.

So, like, Christmas is only about six weeks away so I am spending my CONSIDERABLE (and unacceptable amount of) alone time at home creating my Christmas list.

I came across this.

I know you all like me and stuff and given that there are still six weeks left until Christmas and that I am being tortured WEEKLY with trips to Dr. Torquemada (WTF?), I was thinking a nice gesture from one of you would be to build me a slightly larger version of this toy, one that would accommodate, say, a 20-25 pound 'object'.  Trust me, I'm not the only dog who would like one of these.  You could TOTALLY market it to others as well and, if you needed like a focus group or something, I would be happy to offer my services and time to get you the research you need. 

I am a giving dog, yo.

In other news, Mom and I are spending Christmas in NYC again this year and I would like to extend the 'paw of friendship' to all cats and dogs who would like to join us and stuff.  Especially cats.  Just to round out the group, you know?  Keep it interesting.

Please let me know if you can build me my catapult device.  I would appreciate it.

BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!

I think Mom totally has like Munchausen Syndrome (by Proxy) or something. 

I'M FINE.  OKAY.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. 

But no.  Today, she's all 'We have to go see Dr. Torquemada again' and got out my ride and stuff (which is cool but SO could be cooler - and don't I deserve to get my ride pimped?  It's embarrassing and boring the way it is now - do you think Pimp My Ride would help me?  Please write to them and ask them to help me.  Thank you.  And I'm totally sure I paid for this with my BONE fund and if I were up to me I would have preferred bones, okay?  please take note) and rolled over to Dr. Torquemada's.  *AGAIN*  

She's all 'There's something in her eye!  She's like totally dying!'  And he's all, you totally need to calm down but anyway, she totally freaked and convinced him there's a problem and now she's like shooting things INTO MY EYE.  I don't want that stuff in my eye, okay?  WTF?  I'M FINE.

There was ONE upside to the visit.  First, Dr. Torquemada said I had like total anorexia and that Mom needed to start feeding me more.  I have, as you know, been saying this for years and finally.... AWESOME.  And then (in a pathetic attempt to win me over which, SO not going to work but I make it SEEM like it might work so he works harder, okay?) Dr. Torquemada gave me a lot of treats to try to bring my weight up so I won't pass out. 

Another benefit to my wheels is that I won't pass out due to hunger.  That said, I'd prefer the food.  I have been home for 10 minutes and have yet to see any food.  WTF?

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I may be chill and stuff and I try to be supportive of Mom's musical 'endeavors' (amateur as they are) but this new 'instrument' Mom calls a 'recorder'? Is really annoying, okay? It's like totally high and stuff and is hurting my ears.

Please write to Mom and ask her to stop, okay? There's no reason for this. EVER.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WRITE TO MOM AND MAKE HER STOP.

Thank you.

***

OPEN LETTER TO MOM:

It's not funny, okay? Stop laughing whenever I look at you in PAIN. It's not nice.

Molly

Dear Tango:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND STUFF!

Love, Molly

P.S. Sometimes the best gift is the one that gives back, right? So, feel free to send me your cat, okay? Thanks.

So, the party was cool. cjthediva's house is cool and, as a courtesy, I did some 'touch up cleaning' and 'rodent checks' for her because I've noticed that people *rarely* get all the crumbs out of corners and stuff (I always check ALL CORNERS because invariably I find something missed in one of them - TOTALLY worth the effort if it's something good) and also just don't know how to do a full rodent check like a terrier would. Why they don't have this skill I don't know but after an hour or so, I felt confident she was rodent free and pretty much got all the corners and made sure they were clean and stuff. I also, like any good guest would, helped out with cleanup in the kitchen. I feel it's just neighborly to clean up the floor area, right? as I am ON IT?

So, we hung out for a long time. Mom gradually got everyone talking about singing so I worked on my bone for a while which she'd brought which was cool. The street near CJ's house smells TOTALLY different so that was very cool. Plus, Mom, was all 'I need to walk Molly a million times' (not that I'm complaining) but I got to fully check out the block which was pretty cool - change of scenery and stuff. Always good to expand one's horizons. Even if it's only Queens.

Anyway, I had a good time and I'm now thinking of hosting my OWN Girls Night. Steak, pork and then maybe some salad and stuff because my friends seem to like that stuff even though I TOTALLY don't get the appeal, okay?

OH, runta gave me some 'apple' which I'd never had. It's sort of different. I'm not sure I liked it but I try to always try new things so I gave it a go. Interesting.

Peace and stuff.

So, I am definitely thinking that Mom is drugging the liverwurst. I was outside and that Boxer who is always in my face walked by and he was all 'I can take you!' and I'm all.... 'Um, you totally need to chill out, dude. Why can't we all just get along, okay? Namaste and stuff.'

Upon reflection, this is not my normal response to his pathetic attempts to take me out (like, SO not going to happen, okay? I could totally take you and stuff... when I'm on my game but right now I just don't care enough to expend the effort. I think I need a nap first.). So, I'm thinking Mom is doing something to the liverwurst. That said, I'm feeling pretty good and that's cool but I do think that we SHOULD all try to get along and stuff. And also, maybe, work on the environment. Squirrels are leaving their trash everywhere. I think we should enforce that. Anyone with me?

I think I saw a unicorn this afternoon on the street. And then a wizard. Interesting.

I'll be back soon. Until then, peace, okay?

Yo.

I hope everyone has been well. I had a stomach ache for a couple of weeks which resulted in chicken and rice SCORE! but then Mom decided I had had enough 'good will' and switched me back to my old gross 'food' which I then boycotted for a couple of days to freak her out (which it did) and make the point 'I want chicken, okay?' but Mom is like totally hard hearted and stuff and let me STARVE until I finally caved because, hello! Hungry!

So, I am back to eating the gross stuff she calls food. It's like totally gross, okay? Le sigh.

Anyway, I did succeed in getting liverwurst every day (way too small an amount to count) as part of my 'meal' *snort*. (It turns out all I need to do is refuse to eat whatever she gives me until she breaks out the good stuff - note to self, be STRONG, okay?) That said, I think the liverwurst is like totally drugged and stuff. I have to eat it though because I'm like totally hungry and I'm getting almost nothing to eat. Mom's like totally not letting me eat street snacks anymore as well. She's like all militant and stuff. WTF? There was like an entire HOT DOG just sitting there and she KICKED it away. I was like totally traumatized, okay? What is THAT?

Been hanging with Mr. P again. It's cool. We've been watching Law & Order SVU a lot. I think they should make a Law & Order about dogs, okay? Crimes against dogs, like no food, and Mom *abandoning* them to go to 'work', etc. I'd watch that.

In other news, I got invited to a party at cjthediva's this weekend. My other friend Laura is going to pick me up at my house to take me since the party is in Queens and stuff and I can't go on the train due to racist policies by the NYC government and stuff. Mom, of course, is tagging along. Le sigh. Anyway, we are supposed to bring treats/food and I'm all 'I think we should totally take like ten pounds of steak and stuff. Raw. People would really like that and I could TOTALLY handle any leftovers, okay? So muss, no fuss. And stuff.' Mom's all 'We're taking a green salad and some cheese.' WTF is THAT? These are hardly treats, yo. I mean at least take liverwurst or something.

Unfortunately, I have limited recourse because even though V gives Mom money for the 'bone fund' each week, Mom has *totally* been putting it in her wallet and spending it on herself. Today she was wearing new socks which I know I *totally* bought. Okay?

(If you would like to send a contribution to the steak fund, please do and I'll need it ASAP because the party is like Friday, okay?)

I had lots of visitors over the past few weeks which is cool. Grandma Nonnie came on Saturday and we hung out and she told Mom I was totally pretty and stuff (and I felt *implied* that I did NOT need a bath - Mom has been threatening this before the party. I need to 'look my best' and I'm all 'my friends like me how I *am* Mom. I totally don't need a bath, okay?') which was cool. Daniel came and visited but Mom wouldn't let him give me any treats other than these totally boring ones Dr. Torquemada gave her at my last Session of Torture (he like poked me AGAIN with a needle - WTF?) And cjthediva and Andi also came and fed me some boring treats (Mom is like a total control freak, okay?) and hung with me and that was cool. V came yesterday and played with me too until Mom like totally kicked her out and then also ABANDONED me (taking my newly acquired bone fund with her of course *snort*) for like HOURS. WTF? Hang out with me, okay?

Anyway, that's pretty much what's been going on. Please send me money for steak.

Date:	2007-09-21 10:22
Subject:	Open Letter to txvoodoo
Security:	Public

So last night Mom's all 'I'm tired. I think I won't give you a bath tonight, Molly. You'll just have to go to the shore dirty.' First of all, wha? I had a bath like a week ago. WTF? Then she's all 'I'll just check my friends list' and she logs onto LJ and there's your post about how you gave your FOUR dogs a bath (What did they do to deserve that, okay?)

Next thing I know, I'm like totally covered in water and trapped in the bathroom. WTF? You had to post that, right? and make Mom feel all lazy and stuff? She like totally DROWNED me, okay? I had to scratch my nose on the blanket for like hours to get the water out. It's not fair.

You should not be proud and boastful of your torture of innocent animals okay? It's WRONG. Think about your actions and back off, okay?

And Mom if you are reading this - if you don't want me to smell like 'the vet's office' stop taking me there, okay? I DO NOT LIKE IT. Please stop.

Molly

P.S. Dear Jasper, Cache, Roxy and Carrie:

You are four and your Mom is but one person. I suggest your organize yourselves better. You guys should totally be able to avoid this with a coordinated plan of attack. Think about it.

M.

Tango had this meme in her journal and gave me the letter F, okay?  Here are the rules if you want to join in:

Comment to this post and I'll give you a letter. In your journal, list 10 of your favorite songs that begin with that letter. Then, post in your own, if you see fit.

My favorite ten songs starting with F:

1.  Fuck the Police by N.W.A.  Okay?  The police, like Mom, view themselves in an authority position.  I am against this.  Thus, the song pick.

2.  (What the) Fuck? by me.  I composed this several years ago in opposition to Mom's oppressive tactics.  It's quite moving if I say so myself.

3.  Feed me by Tricky.  Self explanatory.

4.  Fried Chicken by Ice T.

5.  Forced Life by Chimaira.  I liked the title so I downloaded. The title is better than the song (sorry). 

6.  Food for Funk by Common.

7.  Gorillaz: Fire Coming Out of a Monkey's Head.  I liked the imagery of the title.  It works for me.

8.  Fight Club by Fat Joe.

9.  Forever Young by Meatloaf.  Sadly, this song is not about food but I wanted to include it as I support Meatloaf as an artist because he clearly supports meatloaf, one of my favorite foods, okay?

10. Cornelis Vreeswijk:Från Fångarna På Kumla.   Lately, I've been exploring foreign music and stuff. 

So recently Mom has decided to up her abuse of me by taking me to see Dr. Torquemada MULTIPLE TIMES.  First, it was because I needed a 'shot' - supposedly.  Then he took my blood.  Then he took more blood. (Um, hello!  I need that, okay?)

In the latest tale of abuse (from Dr. Torquemada, anyway), Mom like took me there and they gave me a shot and the last thing I remember is Mom saying "Bye, Molly.  Be good." and then LEAVING me there to face abuses I still cannot remember.  They said something about kidneys and my stomach's all shaved and stuff and I didn't feel very well after - personally, I think they totally like harvested a kidney, okay?  I'm always hearing about people being at parties and then waking up the next day in like a bathtub sans kidney.  Replace bathtub with totally heinous *PRISON* in the back of the vet's office, and there you go.  WTF?

And Mom SANCTIONED this. 

He's all - if we don't find out what's going on, we may have to do more tests.  And Mom's all - well, I want her to be okay so okay.  WHAT?  I'm fine, okay.   Enough already.  Now, I'm on special gross food to promote kidney health (not kidneys plural - notice the lack of 's' which is also making me think I'm like down to one) and now she says more tests?

To top it off, tonight?  I - and yes, it was dumb of me - went in to the bathroom when she invited me and she totally like closed the door and cornered me and the next thing I know I'm like drowning and stuff and she's pouring this gross shampoo on me.  She said I smelled like the vet's office.  Um, if you don't want me to smell like the vet's office, stop taking me there, okay?  WTF?  Mom's like a total hypocondriac, okay?  Please tell her to STOP.  What's next?  A lung?  I sort of need these things, Mom. 

P.S.  Dr. Torquemada has three 'office cats'.  Despite removing my kidney (or whatever he did), he refused to give me a cat for my pain and suffering.  For once, Mom was sympathetic and asked him flat out if I could have one as he has three, he thought it was a joke and wouldn't give it up.  And then Mom laughed too.  Um, Dr. Fisch, if you are reading this, I really would like the cat.  We weren't joking, okay?  Please give me the cat.  It's the least you can do, okay?